Detective Mommy

I am not always the brightest crayon in the box but I pride myself at being closer to the "Purple Pizzazz" end of the spectrum than the "Outer Space" end (Yes, those are real Crayola crayon names). I follow most conversations that do not bore me to tears, I get jokes, I am a good reader, a quick study and I can assemble the craziest thing Ikea has in stock without cursing (as long as I do not lose the precious Allen key along the way).

I am here to admit that yesterday, I was completely baffled by a two-year-old. I eventually figured out what she was talking about but she had to put the dots pretty close together before I could connect them. Granted, she was speaking in riddles and had a few facts wrong but I can't help but think I should have picked up the thread sooner. Here is, more or less, the way the conversation went down. Feel free to imagine my various looks of bafflement and frustration:

Me: Hey girls! Want to watch a movie?
Claire & Jillian: Yeah!
Jillian: I don't want to watch the scary one.
Me: Which one is that?
Jillian: The one with the girl with the red panties.
Me (sure I misheard): Red panties?
Jillian: Yeah. Red panties. I don't like that one.
Me (lost): A movie with a girl wearing red panties?
Jillian: Yeah.
Me (thinking maybe shorts or a skirt but not panties): What else does she wear?
Jillian: Red panties. I don't want to watch that one.
Me (deciding to try another angle): I don't know what movie that is. What's her name?
Jillian: Ummm....Ooglie Dooglie.
Me (frustrated): Ooglie Dooglie? Jilla...are we both talking English? Is this baby talk or are you talking like a big girl?
Jillian: Her name is Ooglie Dooglie! I don't like it!
Me (trying to remember the names of the things on "Yo Gabba Gabba" and "In the Night Garden...soul-sucking programs, both of 'em): Jillian, I don't know any movie with a person named Ooglie Dooglie.
Jillian: She has red panties.
Me (yet another angle): I'm sorry Jillian, I don't know what you are talking about. What else happens in the movie?
Jillian: There's a snake and I don't like snakes so I don't wanna watch that one.
Me (processing...processing...): A girl with red panties named Ooglie Dooglie and a snake.
Jillian: Yeah...that one! I don't wanna watch it.
Me (wondering if it is really a snake or maybe a dragon or a lizard - Kung Fu Panda and Barbie Rapunzel cross my mind): What does the snake do?
Jillian: The girl goes inside the snake. It's scary. I don't like it.
Me (not getting it): Ummmmm....
Jillian: Yeah, Momma...that one...with the snake. The girl goes INSIDE the snake.
Me (lightbulb moment): "Jungle Book"?!
Jillian: NO! The one with the girl with red panties, Ooglie Dooglie, and the snake.
Me: Do you mean Mowgli?
Jillian: No! OOGLIE DOOGLIE!
Me (finally feeling intelligent): Mowgli. Sweetie, that's "Jungle Book" and the girl in the red panties is a boy with long hair and there is a snake but it doesn't hurt Mowgli and it has a happy ending, remember?
Jillian: No...not "Jungle Book"! It's a GIRL with RED PANTIES and she goes INSIDE the snake and it is SCARY and I DON'T WANNA WATCH IT!
Me: Yes, love. I understand now. That movie is called "Jungle Book" and you don't have to watch it if you don't want to.
Claire: I do! I want to watch it! Right now I want to watch it! I like "Jungle Book"!


Kaa the snake and Mowgli in his/her red loincloth/panties (I think they are redder in the movie).

The most amazing thing about this is that Jillian went to a reptile show at her school last week and volunteered to do this:



That is a portion of a 140 pound female albino python named "Marshmallow" that my child voluntarily let a handler twine all around her. She sat there and giggled, squealed, pet and even kissed the snake. When she got home she bragged to everyone that she got to go "inside" a snake. I only got to witness the event because I showed up early to pick her up and told her she could stay till the end. Her teacher took the pictures for me while I alternately felt surges of pride and fought the urge to beat the snake to death with a child-sized chair before it consumed my baby in one huge gulp (I really do love animals and I wouldn't hurt one...unless it was gonna eat my kid...then you're toast, beastie).

For the record, we didn't watch "Jungle Book" despite Claire's pleas. In fact, the conversation about which movie Jillian didn't want to watch took so much out of us that the whole movie idea sort of evaporated and the girls went out into the backyard to play instead.